Practical Optimism: How to Use Optimism to Manage Your Emotions before They Manage You!

Dr. Sue Varma

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By: Sue Varma, M.D.

Hi, MedCircle family!

You’ve all been an important part of my journey in advocacy and mental health education. I was delighted to have many conversations with your amazing Medcircle host, Kyle Kittleson over the years. Together, we embarked on a multi-part series on depression (it won the inaugural Sharecare Emmy back in 2019) and later on cognitive behavioral therapy, and loneliness. I hope you get to watch all of these episodes. You see, whether you realize it or not, you learning about mental health for your own self-care, or to support others, is considered a vital act of public service.

As you know, we are experiencing many crisis at once- from rising rates of depression and anxiety in our kids (I’m a parent myself) to loneliness across all generations. And sure, we can blame technology and the overwhelm that comes with being too plugged in- something called cyberoverload- our brains, as evolved as they are, weren’t meant to handle the rapid rate and volume of information.

But it’s important that we just don’t blame the sometimes addictive pull to the digital world- but also, to take the time to understand just why it’s so compelling- whether it’s the hits or likes we get when we engage in novel content, to the dopamine spikes- it’s also filling voids, and taking us away from in person meetings with friends, exercising and sleep.

In fact, the US Surgeon General (whom I’ve had the opportunity to be in conversation with) shares that it’s not social media that is inherently good or bad for the young folks, it’s what is being lost as a result of excessive digital use – ie. not spending as much time outdoors, with peers, having fun, and simply being kids.

So what are we to do in a world where it seems like bad news is just around the corner (because these days there is certainly no shortage of it—with war, inflation, climate problems)? What we need is a new paradigm of illness and wellness—one that doesn’t wait for the other shoe to drop—which is how the medical system is. i.e., healthcare, critics say, seems to be in the business, unfortunately, of disease management. And frankly, I was getting a bit tired of the lack of focus on prevention. We need both—prevention and management of illness—and both are equally important across all fields of medicine, including psychiatry.

I’ve been a psychiatrist for more than 20 years. In fact, I began my career as the first medical director of the mental health program treating 9/11 survivors at Bellevue/NYU Langone Medical Center. I have worked with people in extremes of stress and trauma and learned a lot about resilience and the human spirit. It’s through this work that I first got very interested in something no one ever talked to me about in my 12-plus years of medical training: optimism.

For many people, myself included, optimism was simply seen as either something you naturally had or didn’t—you were either a glass-half-full type or not. But through my research and clinical work, I started to learn that there was something in the secret sauce of optimism. It was not only having a positive outlook; it was learning, through actionable, concrete, behavioral skills, how to turn positive outlooks into positive outcomes. And that is what Practical Optimism is—a mindset, skill set, and action set. Some days it’s a five-minute practice; other days it’s longer. Practical Optimism is ultimately a practice—like learning a language, a sport, or practicing a hobby. Think of it like a yoga practice: you come to it wherever you are, and with small intentional adjustments and practice, you realize just how much you are capable of.

Over the last several years, I’ve been putting pen to paper (okay, to be honest, my fingers are a little tired from all the typing!)—but only because I have a lot to share. I’ve learned how to take all that I’ve researched and observed in my practice—how to take lessons from those who have lived through the big “T” of trauma, i.e., life-threatening circumstances, and use it for the little “t,” the everyday hassles that are simply part of life. Practical Optimism teaches us life skills that can be used to not only prevent stress but also cope with it once the other shoe drops, so to speak. Practical Optimism is the bridge between illness and wellness—it focuses on our strengths and helps us maximize them, but also gives us resources to manage when things go wrong. In fact, I’ve learned that many of the treatments used as part of cognitive behavioral therapy needn’t only be applied to depression and anxiety but also to everyday life—how to deal with negative emotions, how to develop healthy habits, how to boost productivity and time management, etc.

Through the 8 pillars of Practical Optimism, which are 8 scientifically backed principles, you will learn how to find deeper meaning in life, in hobbies, and through work, in love—by either finding your purpose or creating it. I teach you quick tips on regulating powerful emotions and how to use your emotions to work for you, not the other way around. How to problem-solve like nobody’s business. I then teach you how to reclaim being in the present moment. You might’ve noticed all 8 Pillars begin with P! I talk about how to develop a “people practice” as well as an “aloneness practice.”

I will tell you a little-known fact—a little BTS (behind the scenes), if you will—a lot of this book was written in some unusual places: a city park bench, oceanside (because the cold water really helps up my creativity!), in a subway, at the office, voice notes and memos stored on my phone, coming out of the shower, (and of course at my desk). I’ve never been so invigorated to share anything in my life—and I share this with you so you can feel similarly inspired by something that moves you.

Optimism is being used as a medical intervention more and more. Optimists are healthier, wealthier, wiser, live longer, and are more productive. And whether you are naturally the glass-half-full or glass-half-empty type, optimism is a skill that can be learned and practiced. It’s helped me through the darkest of times in my life, helped me thrive and succeed, and I hope it will do the same for you! Now, let’s get into two of the key pillars (and I hope you pick up your own copy of Practical Optimism to learn more!).

One of the key pillars of Practical Optimism is called “processing,” as in processing your emotions. Why is that so important? Aren’t emotions a bunch of nonsense—inconvenient, unpleasant, and unnecessary passing sentiments (as some of my patients, in the depths of negativity, will ask me)? Well, actually, that type of thinking is not new—philosophers in Ancient Greece to sociologists in 18th century France all used to think so. It’s only recently, in the last two hundred years or so, that emotions and their important role have become elucidated.

Here is how to befriend your emotions:

Recognize the value of emotions and understand their characteristics.

1. Emotions are protective: Scientists like Charles Darwin gave emotions an important place in understanding biology. Emotions protected us from threat and kept us connected to our tribe—all of which promote survival. Emotions like fear, sadness, and loneliness were all clues to get help, get support, and avert danger—keeping us alive, healthy, and well.

2. Emotions are information: Sometimes, it might be true—our emotions can be inconvenient. Think of them as information, just like physical pain in the body—an area that might have been injured (even if it’s just our ego that’s bruised!) or an area that needs some tending to, a little extra TLC. Maybe it’s telling us we need to reexamine our relationships; maybe we need more distance, maybe we need to express or assert ourselves more, or maybe we need to let go. We want to pay attention to negative emotions, but not dwell in them. We don’t want to get mired in negativity. When we do experience negativity, it doesn’t hurt to confide in someone in short doses. Healthy venting involves asking for permission to vent. (“Trauma dumping,” on the other hand, is when we aren’t giving someone a heads-up and endlessly ramble without respecting another person’s comfort level or boundaries.) In small doses, sharing what is in our hearts and minds can be highly therapeutic. In fact, the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Compassionate listening is giving the other person a chance to empty what is in their hearts.” There is nothing more therapeutic than when a caring person holds a safe space in which to share what is dear to our hearts. I hope you have a chance to listen to my video on loneliness for Medcircle, where I share the importance of compassionate listening. When it comes to emotions, you want to manage them, not the other way around. In fact, it’s the reason that many people come to therapy. I often hear during my first session, “I’m tired of getting so stressed out by life, my family, and the world.”

3. Recognize that sometimes emotions can be irrational: Emotions are information, but not always accurate information. Nor do we need to always act upon them. Emotions can lead to distress when they are not consistent with reality around us. For example, some of us have the tendency to worry about the worst-case scenario, living in a constant state of fear, where dread and panic have become the norm. We project that bad things will happen even where there are no facts to support them. Looking for factual evidence when you imagine the worst-case scenario can be very helpful and is a key component of cognitive behavioral therapy. While I’d likely recommend anyone living in this state to seek therapy, I’d also highly recommend learning to better regulate emotions.

Now that we understand emotions, let’s learn to process them: I’ve got a tangible 4-step plan for you. It comes more naturally over time. The key is to use it when the stakes are low so that it becomes second nature and readily available as a practice when things are stressful. It can sometimes be difficult to learn new coping skills.

How to more effectively process emotions like a champ!

4. So, how exactly do we combat negative thinking? I have a several-step plan. I like to call it Name it, Claim it, Tame it, and Reframe it.

Name it: What is the antecedent or situation that has got you down? Can you identify a specific trigger?
Claim it: Where did you feel it in the body? Is it tightened fists, clenched jaws, insomnia, jitteriness, or bowel symptoms? Oftentimes, our body expresses what our mind cannot. Get a thorough medical workup, but don’t discount the role that negative thinking has on creating physical stress and symptoms.
Tame it: What helps calm you down in times of stress? For me, it’s a brisk walk around the block, taking a warm bath, or confiding in a loved one. Sometimes, I like to journal about what is bothering me. There is so much science around the benefits of journaling. You can also take a few quiet deep breaths—this is acknowledging, sitting with it, going for a walk, finding a healthy distraction, or engaging in a few minutes of mindful meditation. It takes far more energy to suppress emotions than it does to release them—and releasing them can be as simple as keeping a journal for 15 minutes a day. The benefits are great, from boosted immunity and fewer colds and infections to lower heart disease, stroke, and cancer. What to write in your journal, you ask? Get granular—the more specifically you can identify a trigger in real time, the better off your mental health.
Reframe it: This is often the hardest but most powerful step. If you aren’t ready for this, fine, but come back to it.

Some other strategies:

Let’s engage in some proactive strategies to counteract negative thinking (again, not meant to take the place of individualized care should you need it), but these are tips I practice on myself and with the people under my care. These are steps I learned when I engaged in my own therapy, something we were highly encouraged to do during our training years.

What would you tell a friend? People are kinder and more creative when it comes to helping others come up with different ways of looking at things.
Will this problem matter 5 years from now? If not, can you let it go?
Consider: Is there another way of looking at this? Are there any positive aspects of the situation at all? Is there a silver lining? Did I benefit from this in any way? If there was absolutely no upside to the situation, can I accept it?

I recognize that these steps take time and practice, which is why I urge you to practice them. Trust me, I do this for a living, and I still have to work at keeping negative thoughts at bay. I also want to encourage you to seek treatment if you feel that most days your mood is down, you have trouble regulating emotions, or you don’t see things getting better. There is always hope; you are not alone. But whatever you do, don’t delay treatment. Sometimes the first place to start is with your primary care doctor. Please note that this blog post is merely a set of suggestions and for medical education only. Tips in this blog aren’t meant to be a source of advice.

And if you’d like to learn more about boosting the positive aspects of your life—by turning positive outlooks into positive outcomes—I’d like to invite you on a journey to Practical Optimism: The Art, Science, and Practice of Exceptional Well-Being (out 2/20/24).