Dr. Judy: Well, grit in some ways is almost like a toughening up.
Like, oh, we’re just toughening up. Like, we’re not going to talk about it right now. We’re just going to, you know, keep going even though it’s hurting. You know, I think that’s a little bit different.
That’s sort of like in the moment. When it’s not the time to cry. When it’s not the time to process…bringing that part of your personality that has that grit part, just being like, “Okay, you know what? Just going to move forward, deal with this later.”
Resilience is more of that moving through and actually applying skill sets, believing in your capability to overcome a challenge and knowing which skills to apply during which kinds of challenging times.
Kyle: Dr. Judy, can you discuss the difference between grit and resilience?
Dr. Judy: I think everybody might discuss this differently. I see resilience as a type of skill set that you can build. Anybody can build resilience, which is adaptability and flexibility in response to life’s challenges.
I feel like grit is a little bit more like a personality trait. Some people will say, well, that person just has grit. They kind of seem like, even when things get tough, it just doesn’t really bother them too much. They just seem almost stoic in the face of stress.
But that trait isn’t necessarily going to develop into a skill of resilience. You have to actually work at resilience. Every single person has to. No one’s born with resilience.
We only learn resilience after experiencing challenging times and then knowing that we can come across on the other side a better person.
Kyle: When would we rely on our grit during the grieving process and when would we rely on our resilience during the process?
Dr. Judy: Well, grit in some ways is almost like a toughening up. Like, oh, we’re just toughening up. We’re not going to talk about it right now. We’re just going to, you know, keep going even though it’s hurting. I think that’s a little bit different.
That’s sort of like in the moment. When it’s not the time to cry. When it’s not the time to process, like bringing that part of your personality that has that grit part…just being like, “Okay, you know what? Just going to move forward, deal with this later.”
Resilience is more of that moving through of actually applying skill sets, believing in your capability to overcome a challenge and knowing which skills to apply during which kinds of challenging times.
Kyle: Two things people will say when you’re grieving is, well, remember you’re strong and you will get through this. And I believe in both of those things. Those are true.
I’m looking at you viewer. You are strong and you will get through this.
But Dr. Judy, they don’t feel like that all the time. Sometimes they feel weak and like they’re not going to get through this. How can we begin to know and feel like I’m strong and I’m going to get through this?
Dr. Judy:I think that’s when you have to rely on the collective existence of all humans who have come before you.
Kyle: Is that all we have to do?
Dr. Judy: That’s all we have to do. Haha. You know, just tap into the collective wisdom of all humankind.
No, but I think this goes to understanding that because grief is so universal.
Obviously everyone’s experience is unique, but what is universal is that every single person on this earth has lost someone in their lifetime and it’s just something that keeps happening because that is the sadness and the beauty of being a human being is that we all die.
Every single person has been through grief and loss and every person has made it through that process.
So while that doesn’t help you in your unique situation of how am I going to make it through today or this moment, it can be comforting to think about – so many billions and billions of people have been through this and they still do emerge on the other side and they still can be a whole person.
So even if I’m not feeling strong now, maybe I just need to think about the collective strength of the human existence.
That feels really heady and that feels maybe a little abstract, but it’s not abstract in that when you go into like a grief support group or when you talk to other people as part of MedCircle Community, other people are going to say, “Yep, I feel you. Yep, been there.” You know, “Oh, but I lost my brother.” “Well, I lost my brother, too.”
There’s somebody who has some semblance of a similar experience to you and perhaps they can offer some wisdom, offer some advice, or even if they can’t, they can just say, “Well, you know what? All I can tell you is I feel better now than I did last month or last year. And I’m not sure how I got through it, but I did.”
And even that is comforting just to know that you can get through it.
Kyle: You will get through it, y’all. You will get through it.
Dr. Judy, I would love for you to take us through two to three techniques on how we can build resilience, especially during this time of loss. I’ll let you take it away here.
Dr. Judy: The first tip is to utilize a couple of affirmations to your advantage.
These affirmations are only going to work if you actually believe in them. So, just blanket positive affirmations are not going to work. The affirmations that probably work the best in this scenario are things that really honor your process, honor your unique strengths.
So, write down a couple of positive statements that really appreciate some of the things that you know you do best, especially when you’re experiencing challenging times.
So in the past when you’ve been through a major stress, what’s something that you really appreciated about yourself? And being able to say that to yourself, post this saying somewhere you can see it. Write it down on a post-it. Put it on your mirror. Tuck it in your purse or your bag or your wallet and just keep it with you and read it a few times during that day and just remind yourself this is a quality that has allowed me to get through other challenges in my life and it is a quality that I can still tap into today.
The second piece of resilience building is really leaning into your community support. You can’t do everything alone and sometimes talking to other people is going to really help you brainstorm ways to address whatever specific challenge you’re going through today.
So get with those one or two trusted individuals in your inner circle. Say, “This is what I’m dealing with” and brainstorm with them. Brainstorm ways to problem solve your issue today.
The third form of resilience building is just to practice tips every day for your own emotion regulation and distress tolerance.
We’ve gone through a number of these in this series so far. We’re going to go through more, but pick your top three to five. And every day, make a commitment to practice one of those each day. And every time you do, write down a couple of things in your journal about what’s working best and how you might want to tweak it so that it works better, and what benefits you’ve received from practicing this skill.
It’s important to document this because your selective mind, especially when you’re going through grief and loss, is going to easily forget that there was this major learning, this breakthrough, this moment where you should have patted yourself on the back. So, make sure to document as you go along practicing these resilience skills.
Kyle: Before moving on to the next step, consider journaling on this prompt. How are you already strong and resilient? How can you use those skills to get you through this difficult time? Is there one new thing you can practice or learn that can help ease your suffering and build your resilience?
Once you’ve done some journaling, consider our next exercise, which is writing a letter to the resilient you. I want you to acknowledge your efforts in this hard time. Commend yourself for your perseverance and give yourself a few words of encouragement so you keep going and let yourself know that you are proud of you.
If you want to share that letter in the MedCircle Community, please do. There is an example letter in your digital journal if you need it.
In our next lesson, lesson four, we’ll be talking about how to find additional support if you need it.
More ways to build strength & resilience while grieving:
- https://medcircle.com/articles/grief-vs-your-new-normal/
- https://medcircle.com/articles/does-grief-make-you-tired/
