Divorce is hard on everyone, but men may struggle with heightened feelings of loneliness, shame, and discouragement during this time. Research shows they may be more susceptible to short-term consequences associated with divorce(1).
Unfortunately, men are often shamed into “getting over it” and “moving on” when it comes to managing difficult life circumstances, including divorce. While the intention behind these messages may be good, genuine healing is rarely that straightforward. We’re all emotional beings, and everyone needs time and space to cope with divorce.
Remember that you’re allowed to be vulnerable and not have all the answers right now. You’re also allowed to experience a full range of emotions and seek support. None of these actions make you weak- they make you a human having a very human experience. With that, here are some important takeaways to keep in mind.
Allow Yourself to Acknowledge Your Emotions and Grief
Grief is a completely normal reaction to divorce, and it’s typical to feel angry, confused, lonely, shocked, scared, or sad right now. These feelings oscillate in frequency and intensity, but they can persist for several months after the divorce settles.
Unfortunately, men may be more apt to move through these difficult emotional experiences alone. If you’ve never been comfortable with the concept of vulnerability, allowing yourself to genuinely feel right now can be unnerving. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind.
Name what you’re feeling: Although it may sound simple, it certainly isn’t easy. But get in the habit of asking yourself, What am I feeling right now? Allow yourself to simply acknowledge various emotions as they arise. Doing so validates your inner experience and can promote a deeper sense of self-awareness.
Allow yourself to release emotion: Men are often only permitted to engage in a small range of emotional expressions. However, it’s okay to cry, scream, journal, or do whatever you (safely) need to do to release certain emotions. Doing so is an act of self-respect, allowing you to fully process emotions in real time.
Journal about how you’re feeling: Set aside 10-15 minutes each day to document how you’re feeling or coping. This can cultivate deeper self-awareness, as writing things down can reveal certain patterns that you weren’t consciously aware of. Furthermore, it can also just feel restorative to simply release certain emotions into the void.
Give yourself permission to be patient: It’s so tempting to want to heal as fast as you can. However, this just isn’t something you consciously decide. Instead, focus on what you can control (taking care of yourself, tending to your emotions, choosing proactive coping strategies) and try to trust that the recovery will unfold in the ways it must.
Seek External Support
Unlike women, men are more likely to isolate themselves after a divorce. This issue may be exacerbated if you leaned on your spouse for social support or absorbed “their friends” as part of your primary social circle.
While solitude has some benefits, isolation can magnify apathy, guilt, anxiety, and feelings of stuckness. It may also stunt your capacity to heal and move forward. The good news is that you don’t need to throw yourself into a bunch of social settings to reap the benefit of connection. Even small steps can make a big difference.
Connect with your friends: Reach out and let your friends know what happened. Share as much detail as you’re comfortable disclosing, but try to push yourself to be more vulnerable than you’d typically be. You’ll likely realize that most people want to be supportive and help in the ways they can.
Lean on your own family: It’s okay to ask for support and resources from your family members. They may be upset by what happened, but there’s a good chance they’ll also have your back during this time. Remember that it’s okay to set boundaries, including setting parameters about what you’re comfortable sharing.
Seek professional support: Therapy can be incredibly valuable in supporting your healing self-discovery process. Reconciling divorce often means coming to terms with painful parts of both your past and present. You may need to reflect on areas where you want to change moving forward. A therapist can help you better understand yourself and support you as you navigate this new time in your life.
Find online support: Even if you lack connection in the real world, there are many options for virtually connecting with other men experiencing divorce. For example, subreddits like r/divorce or r/divorce_men have thousands of community members sharing support and resources. You may also be able to find connections through various forums or social media platforms.
Join a support group: Many local community clinics or therapists also facilitate men’s support groups. Some of these groups may specifically focus on divorce, whereas others are more general. Either way, groups offer a sense of connection and camaraderie, helping you feel understood and witnessed during this time.
Choose Adaptive Coping Mechanisms
Now is the time to prioritize healthy coping skills to manage your emotions. The goal is to try to take care of yourself, even if you’re struggling with your circumstances. With that in mind, don’t let perfection be the enemy of good- focus on doing what you can to try to take care of yourself. Some days will be easier than others, but try to focus on consistency above all else.
You may feel purposeless or devoid of meaning amid a divorce. While this process can be painful, it also represents a valuable opportunity for rediscovery. Many men achieve profound personal development during adversity, and you may be able to harness this time to focus on understanding your needs and identity right now.
Here are some ways to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally:
Engage in regular physical activity: Exercise can help you feel grounded and energized, both of which can be helpful during unstable times. If you feel angry, try to focus on intense movement, including sprinting, lifting weights, boxing, or another structured activity. All of these can help you release your emotions adaptively.
Consciously choose to be more mindful: Although “being in the present moment” may feel like the last thing you want to do right now, it may be the most effective strategy. This is because mindfulness supports emotional regulation and psychological flexibility. We often feel more distressed when we ruminate about the past or obsess about the future. Therefore, staying grounded in the ‘here and now’ can make space for more internal peace. You can embrace more mindfulness by avoiding multitasking when possible and engaging in a regular meditation practice.
Invest in your passions: Focus on spending more time doing things that feel meaningful to you. Get involved in old or new hobbies. If you don’t feel connected to any activities, just prioritize starting somewhere, even if that somewhere means devoting 30 minutes a week to doing something that feels enjoyable.
Stick to your normal routine: Routine may sound boring, but it’s also stabilizing, and stability is important during times of upheaval. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time each day. Eat at the same times you normally do. Stick to your chores as much as you can. Finally, if work is a productive distraction for you, try to lean into that (without completely overdoing it). Having a predictable sense of familiarity can support overall emotional regulation.
Limit or avoid escape mechanisms: It’s very tempting to want to drink, use substances, gamble, or engage in risky sex during or just after a divorce. If you experience these impulses, know that you’re not alone. And if you do engage in them, this doesn’t make you a bad person. However, continuously numbing your pain doesn’t actually resolve the pain. In many ways, you risk prolonging or even magnifying your emotional struggles, and impulsive or self-destructive actions may result in other problematic consequences, including substance use problems, depression, debt, shame, other relationship issues, and more.
Identify your personal goals: Give yourself 2-3 reasonable goals that you’d like to accomplish within the next 3 months. Specify these goals and then break them down into reasonable steps. This future-focused thinking can be empowering, allowing you to pay attention to what’s ahead rather than dwell on what already happened.
Prepare Yourself for Co-Parenting Dynamics
Research shows that mothers are typically granted approximately 65% of custody time over minor children, and fathers receive around 35%(2). Whether you’re in the middle of hashing out custody arrangements- or they’re already in place- all fathers need to consider the logistics of co-parenting to best support their children. Here are some important considerations to keep in mind:
Prioritize your child’s well-being: Divorce can be highly dysregulating for children of all ages. While you can’t shield them from their pain, you can focus on being consistent, attentive, compassionate, and loving. Focus on nurturing the independent relationship you share with each child. Make it known how much you care about them and reinforce that this will never change.
Strive to maintain a civil presence with your co-parent: As much as possible, strive to be respectful of your ex-spouse. You’re allowed to have your own feelings and needs, but children need a united front, and it’s unfair to make them ‘pick sides’ or manage your emotions surrounding the divorce.
Set boundaries: It’s important to identify reasonable boundaries with your ex, particularly when it comes to making decisions and honoring your independence. You should also outline boundaries for communicating about your children.
Focus on maintaining a routine for your child: Co-parenting tends to be more successful when both parents can establish a sense of familiarity in their respective homes. Even if children protest, they thrive on consistency. Aim to collaborate with your ex to commit to regular schedules for activities, bedtimes, schoolwork, and chores.
Be mindful about dating: There’s no strict rule about how and when you should date again after a divorce. However, parents need to be particularly aware of how new partners can impact the family. As a general rule, it’s best to take things slowly and avoid introducing anyone to your children until things are clearly established. Your children may feel ambivalent or even angry about you dating- it’s important to validate their emotions and reassure them that they are still your primary focus.
Final Thoughts
There are no definitive “right” or “wrong” ways to cope with a divorce. It’s entirely normal for things to feel up and down right now. Trust that stability will come with time and patience. For now, try to focus on taking care of yourself as best you can.
No matter the circumstances, you are not immune to emotions or needs during this time. This is a good thing, and it also speaks to the reality that divorce is just inherently stressful. You’re allowed to have a hard time, and you’re also allowed to seek support to get you through.
