Although statistics continue to change every year, it’s estimated that one out of every two marriages ends in divorce(1). Millions of children grow up in homes with single or divorced parents, and many parents naturally consider the impact of divorce on their families.
Divorce, of course, is an individual experience that impacts children in different ways. No two children cope with adversity the same, but it’s important to be aware of some common reactions and emotions.
Understanding How Divorce Impacts Children at Different Ages
The specific impact of divorce is based on many factors, including the child’s age, developmental phase, temperament, and relationship with each family member. Young children, in particular, can’t fully grasp what divorce means or why it’s happening. Older children, however, already have internal messaging about divorce and may react based on those beliefs.
On an overarching basis, children may react to divorce by:
- Withdrawing from family or friends
- Becoming increasingly depressed
- Presenting as numb or disconnected
- Struggling in school, sports, or other extracurricular activities
- Feeling pressured to “fix” the family or “change” what happened
- Regressing in physical or emotional behaviors
- Blaming themselves for the situation
- Becoming aggressive toward themselves or others
These effects can range in type, intensity, and length. Symptoms may also ebb and flow based on how their parents are coping with the divorce. In general, while you can’t manage your child’s feelings, you can be aware of them and try to care for them as much as possible.
Newborns and Infants
It’s a common misconception that anyone is too young to be impacted by divorce. Although they can’t speak just yet, very young children entirely depend on their caregivers for support and care. They are attuned to their environments and understand the rhythms of their caregivers.
Furthermore, attachment patterns are cultivated and reinforced during this time, with research showing that bonding is most crucial during the first three years of life(2). Their parents’ emotional well-being also affects infant mental health, as children can certainly pick up on the stress from their caregivers.
At this stage, children may react to divorce by:
- Difficulties with sleep
- More fussiness or difficulty being soothed
- Strongly preferring one caregiver over the other
- Themes of avoidance (i.e. only playing alone or being relatively non-responsive to caregiver connection)
- Food refusal or sudden increase in wanting to eat
- Separation anxiety, especially around one parent
Tips for Parents
Try to stay consistent with feeding, eating, and sleep schedules. Predictability enhances emotional security, and this sense of security is crucial for a baby’s well-being. Ideally, both parents should spend quality time with the child. This also reinforces predictability, and the baby needs lots of time and experience bonding with both parents.
Try to be mindful of your own stress. Avoid arguing in front of the baby and, even if you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that your physical presence is comforting. Hold, cuddle, and kiss your baby often. Let them know how much they are loved regularly.
Toddlers
During the toddler years, children become particularly aware of their external surroundings. They are starting to understand how things work, and have many, many questions about when, how, and why things happen.
However, they still see the world in ‘simple extremes.’ With that, their parents feel “permanent,” so when this dynamic changes, it can feel highly disorienting.
At this stage, children may react to divorce by:
- Regressing in certain behaviors, particularly with sleep, potty training, or eating
- Showing immense abandonment fears
- Repeatedly asking when they will see ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ again
- Heightened feelings of anxiety, especially at bedtime or with transitions
- Disengagement during play or other parts of the routine
- More fussiness or pickiness than usual
Tips for Parents
Do not minimize the very real abandonment fears that your child may be experiencing. Divorce is confusing, and children may worry that they’re going to be left behind or forgotten.
Just like with infants, it’s important to maintain a stable routine for your child. Consistently reassure them that you are here and love them. Spend individual time with your child where your attention is fully devoted to playing and connecting.
Keep in mind that as your child grows up, they will likely have questions about the other parent or your marriage. This is normal and should be expected. You should answer their questions honestly (at an age-appropriate level). They may grieve that they have no recollection of their parents being married, and while your job isn’t to fix that grief, it is important to witness and validate its relevance.
Preschoolers and Kindergarteners
Between ages 4-6 years old, children start understanding the gravity of loss in more advanced ways. They may have learned about the concept in a book or TV show and logically seem to understand that their parents will now live in separate homes.
However, they’re also likely to blame themselves for what happened or assume they can do something to change the situation. They won’t recognize that the change is permanent, and they may ask many questions about when things will return “back to normal.” Abandonment fears can also emerge during this time, and children may also exhibit withdrawal or aggression symptoms.
During this age, children may respond to divorce by:
- Blaming themselves for what happened
- Engaging in more tantrums or meltdowns than usual
- Repeatedly asking the parents about getting back together
- Becoming withdrawn or guarded around certain family members
- Acting out themes of family stress through play or art
Tips for Parents
Children are highly expressive at this age. They seemingly have no filter, which can feel like both a blessing and a curse. The most important thing to do is remain curious about their internal experience and allow them to share how they feel. Don’t probe too much- they will likely want to talk on their terms, and you may glean more insights by interacting with them in imaginative play.
Try to keep them connected to their friends, school, and other sources of support at this time. At this age, peers and teachers start to feel more influential. Having outside support can ensure your child that they still have many good things happening in their world. Try to stay involved with their routine and prioritize individualized attention often.
School-Aged Children
School-aged children have a strong awareness of marriage, family dynamics, and the societal expectations associated with both. Although they may appear knowledgeable about divorce, they still lack the full emotional intelligence to understand its full impact. Many of them feel angry, lonely, and afraid when first receiving the news.
School-aged children may respond to divorce by:
- Presenting as depressed or extremely sad
- Choosing to take a side, making one parent the “good” parent and the other parent the “bad” parent
- Believing that they caused the divorce and experiencing immense guilt
- Externalizing their pain toward others (bullying, defiance at school)
- Becoming distracted or withdrawn at school or becoming very perfectionistic at school
- Focusing on taking care of other siblings, especially if they are the oldest
Tips for Parents
Like with younger children, routine and consistency is still paramount at this age. Having a sense of familiarity is grounding, especially when the external environment changes.
Always be mindful of how you communicate about your family or the other parent in your child’s presence. Try to avoid any arguing or specific discussions about legal concerns. Even if you don’t think your child understands the content,
No matter the context, avoid using your child as the messenger. For example, you should not expect them to convey information to another parent or sibling on your behalf. While many children will do this to appease a parent, it can create a vicious cycle of confusion, resentment, and codependency.
Adolescents
Adolescents understand divorce, and many of them are navigating their first romantic relationships at the same time. They also have many years of living within the family unit and closely observing their parents’ marital dynamics.
Divorce can feel tumultuous and scary for them- because the teen years can already seem so vulnerable, they may be more prone to internalizing or externalizing their pain. At the same time, even though they do understand divorce, their brains aren’t fully developed and it’s hard for them to reconcile the magnitude of what’s happening.
Some teens talk to their parents about how they feel; others may become more guarded or sensitive. All of these responses are normal and should be validated accordingly. It’s important to let your teen have their e
Teenagers may react to divorce by:
- Withdrawing from certain family members or the entire family unit
- Engaging in more risky behaviors or themes of rebellion
- Suddenly losing interest in school or sports
- Developing a very cynical worldview about relationships or romance
- Presenting as entirely disinterested or numb to the topic
More than anything, it’s important to focus on cultivating a safe environment that welcomes open communication. Your child may be very angry, hurt, or scared right now. Try to validate those feelings as best you can- dismissing them will only exacerbate tension.
It’s okay to acknowledge if and when you don’t know something. It’s also okay to offer transparent answers without explicitly sharing sensitive details. For example, your teenager might ask, Why don’t you love dad anymore? Instead of going on about how your ex-partner’s affair harmed you, you might say, Things changed in our marriage, and we are no longer happy with each other. This has nothing to do with you at all.
Teenagers may be more susceptible to developing mental health concerns due to divorce. Furthermore, if your child already has a mental health issue, divorce may exacerbate their symptoms. Some red flag behaviors include:
- Suicidal thoughts or statements about suicide
- Self-harm via cutting, burning, or other forms of deliberate pain
- Substance use
- Disordered eating or sudden weight changes
- Violence toward others
- Increased anxiety or paranoia
If you’re concerned about your teenager’s well-being, consider seeking professional support. They may need a safe environment to express their feelings without worrying about burdening or upsetting you. Likewise, you may benefit from family therapy to strengthen communication with your teen.
Final Thoughts
Choosing to divorce is hard for everyone involved. Children can and do get affected by this decision. However, they’re also deeply impacted when parents unhappily stay together “for the kids.”
If you’re navigating divorce as a parent, you’re not alone. While there’s no perfect way to handle this time, consistency, support, and validation are the most important things you can offer your children. The more you show them that you care about their needs and feelings, the smoother the transition will feel for everyone.
Sources
- https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-and-Divorce-001.aspx
- https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1240567.pdf
